


A Beautiful Dream

by TheHomestuckWhovian



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Gen, Rose's Room, Suicidal Thoughts, complicated feelings, things are just complicated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-26 13:34:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20931068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHomestuckWhovian/pseuds/TheHomestuckWhovian
Summary: Something you can never have, someone you can never truly meet.





	A Beautiful Dream

It wasn’t the same.

She stood there, cradling a baby in her arms, humming a tune that Greg had written long ago. It was soft and slow, not quite a lullaby, but good enough.

There were tiny, soft snores, and she couldn’t help but smile at the idea that this baby snored like Greg did, but softer, cuter.

Humans weren’t cute. That was something she had had to learn. That was something Greg had taught her. Humans were...messy. Complicated. Just as complicated as gems were, maybe even more so. She had worried that calling a baby cute would be like before, but Greg had laughed when she had admitted the concern.

“Cute doesn’t always mean something bad,” he had assured her. “It’s...it’s demeaning when you dismiss someone as cute and nothing else, but calling something cute can sometimes mean that their appearance is nice, or their haircut suits them, or their clothes make them look good. Like...I think you’re cute, but you’re more than that. You’re strong, and brave, and wonderful.”

She liked to think she got it. She really hoped she did. She really hoped it wouldn’t be another Sour Cream situation, where she thought she understood but instead she was horribly wrong.

There was a little noise from the bundle in her arms, and she squeaked with surprise as the baby began to cry.

“Oh. Oh, it’s okay.” She rocked the bundle, but it continued to cry. “Oh, what’s wrong?” She positioned the baby to investigate. “You don’t need changing...oh! Do you need a bottle?” She reached over the table and grabbed a bottle, and the baby reached for it as she tucked it into their mouth.

As the baby drank, she sighed, holding them tight as they continued to drink from the bottle. She began to hum the song again, and after a moment, the lyrics came easily.

“If I could begin to be, half of what you think of me, I could do about anything, I could even learn how to love.”

She continued to sing as the baby finished the bottle, and she set it aside before rocking the baby, watching as it slowly fell back to sleep.

“I always thought I might be bad, now I’m sure that it’s true.” She couldn’t help the tears welling up in her eyes as she continued. “‘Cuz I think you’re so good. And I’m nothing like-”

“Rose?”

And the room scene around her fell apart into pink clouds, and she looked up to see Pearl standing at the door, her expression distraught.

“Pearl.” She laughed a little uneasily, wiping her face and forcing a smile onto her face. “What...what are you doing here? Is everything-”

“Rose,” Pearl interrupted, and a part of her couldn’t help but be thankful that Pearl _could_ interrupt her, that she was now in a position where she wasn’t scared to do so. “You don’t have to pretend anymore.”

The tears slipped down her face more freely now, and she found herself sitting on the ground, wrapping her arms around herself (and she remembered how familiar a position this was, like being in the tower all over again). Pearl moved to her, wrapping her in a hug, and Rose almost collapsed into the gesture.

“I’m...I’m never going to meet them,” she whispered.

And that was the reality. Because part of her was grieving this fairy tale ideal of having a child. Of having a child and getting to hold them and feed them and make sure they spent every day feeling every bit as loved as she had wanted to be back when she was just a small diamond among the others. She wanted to watch them grow up, to just be Nora or Steven or whoever they decided to be.

But she also...she also knew that she couldn’t. Not for any child. Because all she had done through her long life was hurt people. 

She had let White turn her first Pearl into a puppet without doing anything to stop it, when she was the one who had gotten her in trouble in the first place. She left Spinel in that garden alone instead of telling her that _she couldn’t take it anymore_. She left Bismuth bubbled even with the war over. She had broken Jasper and all the gems who had loved Pink Diamond. She had driven White and Blue and Yellow to destroy the minds and bodies of all of her allies. She had lied to all her friends, to Garnet who trusted her, to Amethyst who relied on her, to Greg who loved her just as much as she loved him.

To Pearl, the one gem who had been with her through everything.

Even now, she was aware of that insidious bit of programming remaining with Pearl, that final command that she was too afraid to get rid of but too ashamed to forget about. And she knew, she knew Pearl loved her, but Rose Quartz could never be with her. As long as Pink Diamond had power of Pearl, they would never be truly equal in a relationship.

That was why she didn’t adopt. That was why she chose to do this instead. Because she wanted a child, she wanted a child who could grow up and live and be their own person, but she could never be a mother. She could never trust herself to truly be responsible for another life. She could never trust herself not to hurt them.

She never wanted to hurt anyone again.

The two of them stayed there for hours, in complete silence. And eventually, Rose stood, Pearl following suit.

“I’ll take care of them,” Pearl promised, and Rose looked at her and the sad smile was like a stab in the chest. “We all will. They...whoever they are...they’ll be happy.”

She smiled at her oldest friend. “Thank you.”

They’d be happy.

She would never be there to hurt them, and they’d be happy.

* * *

Steven sat on the floor of his mom’s room, watching the scene play out before him, sitting beside the room’s depiction of Pink Diamond. Not Rose Quartz, but Pink Diamond, the person she used to be.

“You didn’t know,” he noted, his voice filled with exhaustion. “You didn’t even consider it. You really just thought...you just thought they’d all be better off without you.”

Pink Diamond, though not real, sighed. “I guess it must be hard to process, the idea that I just...that I didn’t want to exist anymore. If I didn’t exist...I wouldn’t...”

“...It’s okay,” Steven answered, even though it wasn’t. “I...Sometimes I thought that too. That...that it would be better off if I didn’t exist.”

And she shifted, becoming Rose Quartz as she wrapped him in an insubstantial hug. “I never wanted that for you, Steven. I never wanted you to take on my burdens. I never...I never wanted you to feel like I did.”

“I know,” Steven whispered, doing his best not to hug her too tightly. He wasn’t done yet. “I know. And even if I haven’t forgiven you yet...I know.” And he could, for a moment, pretend that wasn't a lie.

And they sat there for a while, in complete silence. And he wished this version of his mom was real, so he could be sure that this was real. That she really had been telling the truth in that video, that all she wanted was for him to exist and be a human. Maybe he wouldn’t hate her sometimes. Maybe he would understand her a little more. Maybe he would understand why she did what she did.

But he couldn’t be sure, and he couldn’t do anything but pretend.

“I think...” he took a deep breath, before looking up at the illusion wearing his mother’s face. “I think I’m ready to go now.”

And she burst into pink clouds, leaving him just as alone as he had been the whole time.

**Author's Note:**

> I think it's really sad that, because we learned of Rose's character journey backwards, there's this mindset that she was completely heinous and we're not allowed to like her anymore. It's easy to go backwards and see regression instead of progression. I do think Steven is entitled to his mixed feelings though. He's allowed to hate her for causing him problems in his life. I don't know...I just wanted to explore Rose Quartz's thoughts during her pregnancy.


End file.
